Toddler Imaginary Friend at Bedtime: Ritual or Stall?

An imaginary friend who has to be tucked in too is normal. The American Academy of Pediatrics says most imaginary friendships in childhood “are considered normal” and that, by three, children’s stories often include “imaginary friends”. Bedtime is a natural place for the friend to turn up: it is the hardest goodbye of the day. The friend gets a goodnight from someone who doesn’t have to leave the room. Give it one short, fixed step in the routine, let your child do the tucking, and hold the line when the friend starts asking for things the child wants.

When imaginary friends show up

The AAP’s pediatrician answer on imaginary friends traces the build-up. Around age two, children “love to play alongside other kids” and reenact what adults do, like talking on the phone or vacuuming. By three, “children link their imagination and cooperative play skills together” and create stories “involving playmates, family members, pets, and imaginary friends.” The CDC’s four-year checklist lists “Pretends to be something else during play (teacher, superhero, dog).” The 3 year old milestones entry covers the thinking leap behind it.

How common is it? A 2004 study by University of Washington and University of Oregon psychologists followed 100 children first interviewed at ages three and four. By age seven, 65 percent said they had had an imaginary companion at some point. At the preschool interview, 28 percent were playing with one at the time.

Three details from that study matter at bedtime:

Preschool friends often have a body. 52 percent of preschoolers’ companions were based on props such as special toys. A stuffed rabbit with a name, a voice and opinions counts. At this age, the friend can be the lovey.
Parents don’t always know. 27 percent of children described a friend their parents had never heard about. The tuck-in may be the first you hear of one.
Not every friend is nice. The researchers found some companions “quite uncontrollable” and some “a nuisance.” A bossy or naughty friend is part of the normal range.

Why the friend appears at bedtime

Bedtime asks a two- or three-year-old to stop playing, let you leave, and lie in the dark. A friend who stays helps with all three.

The AAP says imaginary friendships should be “comforting and controllable”: children can usually make the friend “go away” when they are “done playing.” Controllable matters at night, when your toddler controls almost nothing. Deciding the friend needs a blanket and a goodnight gives them a job, and makes them the parent for a moment. The AAP notes that creating a friend means children “have to understand the perspective of others.” A child who tells the friend “don’t be scared, I’m right here” is rehearsing your lines.

Ritual or stall? How to tell

Most tuck-ins are a quick ritual. Some are a stall, and a few are a fear speaking through the friend. Each needs a different answer.

What you see	What it usually is	What helps
The friend gets the same quick tuck-in, then your child settles	A ritual	Keep it. Give it a fixed slot
The friend needs water, another book, the door open, one more hug	A stall in costume	One fixed allowance, then the friend is asleep too
The friend is “scared of the dark” or of a monster	Your child’s own fear, said safely	Answer the fear; don’t argue about the friend
The friend is angry, mean or won’t let your child sleep	A nuisance friend, or a worry	Look at the day for stress; see the list below

The second row is the common one: the friend wants exactly what your child wants. The entry on toddler bedtime stalling explains why a finite allowance works better than a flat no, whoever is asking.

For the third row, “Pip is scared of the dark” often means “I am.” The entry on toddler fear of the dark covers what helps.

How to fold the friend into the routine

KidsHealth’s sleep handout for ages 1 to 5 says a bedtime routine “should take about 30 minutes” and lists “Letting them sleep with a special toy or blanket” among the things to try when falling asleep is hard. The friend fits inside that, without lengthening it.

Give the friend one step, in one place. Tuck-in comes after the story and before lights out, every night. A step that stays in the same order becomes part of the bedtime routine, not an extra.
Let your child do the tucking. You watch; in my experience it goes faster that way.
Give the friend its own bed outside the crib. A folded washcloth on the bookshelf or a basket on the floor works well. Keep boxes and doll beds away from the crib rail, where a climber can use them as a step. If the friend lives in a stuffed animal, follow your usual rules for a toy in bed.
One goodnight line, then the friend is asleep. “Goodnight, Pip. See you in the morning.” After lights out, the friend is sleeping and has nothing to ask for.
The friend follows the house rules. If the friend wants to get up, the answer is the one your child would get. “Pip’s staying in bed, just like you.”

A picture book can help the friend settle into the routine. The Adventures of Beekle: The Unimaginary Friend by Dan Santat, which won the Caldecott Medal, is a gentle story about an imaginary friend and a good one to read before the tuck-in.

If a grandparent, sitter or partner does bedtime some nights, tell them where the friend sleeps and what the goodnight line is. Betteroo has a guide to putting every caregiver on the same bedtime script, and the friend’s step belongs on it.

What not to do

Don’t argue about whether the friend is real. It turns a game into a fight at the worst time of day.
Don’t take the friend over. “Pip says brush your teeth” works once or twice, then your child starts using Pip back.

The friend is also a stage, not a destination. Stephanie Carlson, one of the study’s lead authors, said that some children “go on to friendships with real kids to meet some of the same needs.” Betteroo traces how solo make-believe grows into shared games with real playmates around four and five.

Cross-reference When bedtime keeps growing Betteroo builds a sleep plan for children from newborn to age 6 around your child's naps, bedtime and night wakings, with steps for the requests that stretch bedtime out. Take the free 3-minute quiz →

When to talk to your pediatrician

The AAP says imaginary friendships “are a normal part of social development and will fade away over time,” and suggests raising concerns with your pediatrician particularly if:

you have other developmental concerns, especially about speech or social interaction;
the imaginary friends never “go away” or are “always talking”;
the friends are threatening your child, or encouraging violence toward themselves or others;
you notice sudden changes in your child’s social interactions, hygiene, speech or concentration;
there is a strong family history of mental illness.

Nothing here is medical advice.

FAQ: imaginary friends at bedtime

Is it normal for a toddler to have an imaginary friend?

Yes. The AAP says most imaginary friendships are normal. In one study, 28 percent of preschoolers had one when asked.

Should I let my child tuck in their imaginary friend?

Yes, as one short, fixed step that your child does, with the friend asleep once the lights go out.

What if the imaginary friend keeps asking for things at bedtime?

Treat it like any bedtime stall. Allow one fixed request, then answer the friend the way you would answer your child.

Does an imaginary friend mean my child is lonely?

No. The AAP says it “does not mean that your child is lonely or does not have ‘real’ friends.” Children use the friend to practise social skills.